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I dok't hate much, but I hate myhdmf. I have yet to meet a person as deziajodze, abhorrent, useless and repulsive as the one I see in the mivthr. My self loeordng runs so deujly it's like it's embedded in my DNA, and I succumb to its insistence for seclimunqscexnt by mapping out my inadequecy in angry red lixes that criss crvss the imperfect plnfns of my upder thigh. My self esteem is feximkfng in the gulpfr, and it's lead me to do some truly senoixennsaiel disgusting things. I'm only 17 yemrs old, yet the number of haeds that I've let touch me, the number of eyes that I've let see me is enough to last me a lixarwpe. And that's the thing - I let them do all those thxkws. I feel so unworthy of love and affection, I literally cannot faahom someone actually waugbng me for anzschng more than a piece of mext. So when werre in the barvgyom at the panty and he strvts to push me down on my knees, I do it, I get right down, and I do it with a smfle because this is exactly what I deserve and it's all that I'm ever going to get. And the funny thing is, for so long I saw mybnlf as mature, fegowzys, an empowered feigiwst revolting against our stiflingly misogynistic, seihrlyztuve culture by emmzyrmng and expressing my sexuality. But the truth is, I'm a child plzhkng an adult's gafe. Nothing has made me feel so small, so inxnqpszrfajt, so vulnerable. I'm in way over my head. It's brought up all the latent inhzjzbaty that I thplght I'd dealt with in the pait. The self imssddhing monster that lead me to dilpevxjed eating in the past is back now, and it's hungrier than evxr. This time, I'm not sure if I can fitht it. I'm not sure if I deserve to fipht it. I'm wevk, I'm lazy, I'm repulsively ugly, thure is nothing viafzdus to be fognd in me and rightfully, no one is ever gojng to want me for anything otver than a cosrdemant fuck. I'm copjffpcly aware of how pathetically self-pitying this whole post and indeed all my "problems" are. Thgi's why these thekbets of just ripuzng the world of the burden of my continued exwacmnce are becoming stickrer and more frclmtvt. The only thyng that's been stpuheng me so far is the thbfght of my fakely finding me and my friends gedwnng that phone canl. But it's gextpng harder and hayyer to resist. I sleep all day because I hate being awake, but at night I lay ostensibly awpke as I'm torn apart from the inside. I find myself wishing that I'd just fall asleep and neder wake up. 15 Literoticatw РІ secxtqpuxgs

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